Because the spots of the best and worst Enya websites on the Internet are already taken, I decided to hit a new niche and created the most useless Enya FAQ on the Internet. You are welcome.

The most useless Enya FAQ on the Internet

My family and friends are tired of hearing Enya this, Enya that all the time. Can you give me alternatives to what to call her?

Throughout the years, the ever creative and always obsessive Enya fans came up with a variety of nicknames. ‘Her melodious majesty’, ‘Silver lady’ and my personal favourite ‘what’s’ername that singer from Ireland’TM are just a few. I heard that one of these is also used by a porn star. I let you guess which one.

How many Enyas are there?

Just one. She overdubs her voice (most of the time) and clones herself for her music videos (on occassion) but it is just to distract you.

Isn’t it too hard to sing all those multivocals?

Enya said that it is not hard work for her to sing them but for the others to listen to her doing so. Ergo, when you listen to Enya, it’s like you were working hard. Congratulations!

Enya’s Irish so she drinks Guinness, right?

Even though her siblings starred in a Guinness ad Enya doesn’t drink it. I am not surprised, everyone knows that Kilkenny is way better.

Who is this ‘Rob Dickins at the wheel’?

It’s a reference to a former CEO of Warner Music UK and his career as The Stig. When he met Enya in 1987, he told her that he fell asleep listening to her music every night for the past week. Because she is nice and smart unlike you and me, she didn’t hit him but rather signed a recording contract that would lead to Watermark.

Why can’t I post about Rob Dickins at Enya’s official forum? Don’t they like him anymore?

No, it is the language filter. You can’t post &*#$ either and &+^@ is forbidden too.

How can I avoid having 50+ copies of Oiche Chiuin in my collection?

You can’t. Enya loves the song and puts in on every single with an available spot. I once contemplated collecting all the releases containing the song just for fun but my flat is not big enough.

Does Enya really live in a castle?

Yes, she has a small, homely castle. Tiny even.

Why?

Because she always wanted one. Don’t you?

Are there any secret passages like in Hogwarts?

According to the world’s most reliable source*, there once was a secret passage leading to the Killiney beach.

*Wikipedia

Talking about Hogwarts, did Enya read Harry Potter? Does she love Severus Snape as much as I do?

I don’t know. But she said she read Lord of the Rings and likes Frodo.

Why does Eithne spell her name as Enya?

Because 99,99 % of the world population wouldn’t be able to read it and would be too embarassed to ask for her cds at music stores. Therefore her sales would be lower and she couldn’t afford a Maybach.

I heard this old Irish legend about the origin of her name…

The one where Eithne’s father locks her up so she wouldn’t get pregnant with a random stranger but she does anyway? And then the guy kills her father? Yeah, that’s it.

Despite knowing all this I am still a fan and want to marry Enya. Do I have a chance?

I think we both know the answer to this question. However, I needed an excuse to link to Pumping Iron for Enya by Atom and His Package because I think it’s funny.

DISCLAIMER:
‘What’s’ername that singer from Ireland’ is copyrighted to TreeCat. Unofficial edits of official nicknames are prohibited or she’ll track you down.

Living with a die-hard Enya fan FAQ

Have your dear one been acting strangely ever since he got that Enya cd for Christmas? If you suspect that YELF (Your Enya-loving fan) turned completely crazy because of his Enya fandom, you are probably right. The condition usually stays for life but can be handled.

Why does MELF (My Enya-loving fan) turn pale every time I say ‘shortly’?

‘Shortly’ and ‘soon’, or ‘Enyashortly’ and ‘Enyasoon’ respectively, are a way to say that something is very unlikely to happen any time soon. The time span for ‘Enyashortly’ varies from several years to never.

MELF adds ‘away’ after each verb and then he repeats it until I go crazy/leave the room. Should I worry?

It’s just a usual case of Enya-speak, nothing serious. Another well-known symptom is replying ‘only time’ to anyone asking ‘who knows?’ Just try posting the question in the comments under any Enya YouTube video. I bet you my favourite Enya cd that’s the reply you’ll get.

What to get MELF for Christmas/birtday?

Visit EIL and buy anything with ‘scarce’ or ‘rare’ in the product description. If you don’t want to spend any money, just draw him a picture of Enya and promise to buy a ticket for the next Enya concert.

We are planning a vacation and MELF insists on going to Ireland at all cost.

Do not worry, Ireland can be great place to visit! Leave YELF in the Christ Church Cathedral to trace down the exact spot that Enya stood on when she shot her video and go have a beer at Temple bar in the meantime. Do not forget to collect the starstruck YELF on return.

But we’ve already been to Ireland five times…I want to go to a different place!

Do not despair, there’s hope. Decide where you want to go and then find a connection to Enya. Insist that a REAL Enya fan needs to go there.

Example: You want to go to the Caribbean and lay in the sun for two weeks without being rained on.

Wrong approach: I am fed up with that damn island! I don’t want to eat any more bloody potatoes filled with more potatoes and covered in potato sauce, I’ve already got so drunk last time that I can’t stand Guinness anymore and I finally want to go somewhere where it is actually warm and I do not need a windproof AND waterproof jacket to go to the beach!

Correct approach: Caribbean Blue is such a poetic song, I wonder how Caribbean Blue looks like? I think that we should go and see for ourselves… the soft winds Zephyrus and Eurus will caress our cheeks while we are lost in reverie… oh, the nature of dreams!

MELF owns so much Enya posters that he can wallpaper our entire house with them and there will still be enough left for the neighbour. How can I stop him?

If YELF in question is a teenager, there is a good chance he will grow out of it. Let him decorate his room and do not go in there.

If YELF in question is an adult, he will probably not grow out of it. Give him a corner to decorate and do not go in there.

MELF sold my grandma to buy the complete collection of Enya’s Japanese promos. I want her back!

Auction the promos on eBay to recover the money. Make sure that YELF doesn’t bid on the auction to get just-in-case copies. Then threaten to open his sealed Paint the Sky with Stars tin if he ever does it again.